Is it just me, or is life moving incredibly too fast? I don’t even know what it is… what this feeling is? Is it just age? I mean, I am 45 now, so maybe that is when everything starts feeling like there is more past than future? I am about at the age where I am entitled to a mid-life crisis, maybe that’s the reason I feel this way? Or maybe it is because the earth is spinning faster and faster… and FASTER!!! Could someone PLEASE make it slow down, so life can feel a more “normal” pace again? Shesh!

I don’t know what to say about my lack of blogging. It makes me sad that I don’t write like I once did. I don’t like how everything is so INSTA-fast. Blogs do take more time and thought, and effort; but oh how I love to look back over the years at what I wrote and recorded about my family, and memories of the past. Sometimes I am amazed at how much I used to write with such conviction, courage, and consistency! I don’t want to lose that with super fast flash-thoughts, rather than well thought out paragraphs, full of feeling and deeper thoughts.

Anyway… enough of that. Over the last few months there has been some travel, some school starting, I got a new car (no more mom-van for me!), the beauty of fall, and the fun of gathering as family. My kids have taken some trips together, and have moved to different places with jobs and college. There have been shows, and exciting events. We are preparing for another fun family gathering next month, and I can’t wait! We NEED to be together as family. We laugh SO HARD when we gather, and I think we need more of that. As Sammi told me, she wants to gather as family and CELEBRATE life! I 100% agree! More celebrations, please! More joy… more smiles… more LOVE.

I spend a lot of my time now with Johnathan (age 4), and taking care of his unique needs. (He has autism.) It is so weird to be standing in line at the elementary school again, dropping him off at preschool — I have a 4 year old, and a 24 year old! I could be a parent to some of the other parents there with their young kiddos! It is so strange to go back to the “beginning” again. I guess God thought I needed someone to keep me going. Johnathan often wakes early, before I would choose to, and he tells me to get up, and go out! He keeps me alive because he is SO full of life. He is full of light and love, and I am grateful for the unexpected miracle that he is. He continuously teaches me so much, and I am learning brand new lessons as a parent.

I have also been feeling really weird lately. How about you? There has been so much going on in the world, and for some reason, tears seem to fall so easily for me now. The other day I cried while talking to my sister. All the water in my body gushed all over my face, from my profound amount of hot-tear leakage. I haven’t cried like that for a while, but I guess I needed it. Sometimes a massive cry is the way to break free from the feelings trapped inside, because the excess moisture and feelings need to be released. I think I released years of tears. It was a LOT.

I want to try and piece myself back together, in a new way… in a good way. I have been divorced now for over 2 years, but separated for more than 3 years. That means I have had the same amount of time to heal from the divorce, as the length of time I was married. (We were only married for 3 years.) With each passing day, month, year… I feel some hope. The divorce was rough and really messed me up, big time. I still have not been able to get myself back in good physical shape. For some reason, my physical health unraveled hard, and it has been a struggle to get back into my marathon-running/mountain biking self. I would settle for feeling like a 5k at this point! I am not at running speed right now… I am working on walking, trotting, just MOVING my body somehow! It is SO frustrating that it is taking so long; but I think part of that is because I have been in intense caretaker mode, with my youngest child. I will get it together again. I hope. I am tired of feeling like such a hot mess all the time. I do have a doctor’s appointment on my calendar to see if there is anything else I need to tend to with my health. Gotta keep this mama in one piece.

Sometimes the feelings do pile hard and heavy from being a widow, a divorcee, and also having a child with special needs… I sometimes wonder if I can catch a break? Does God want me to learn certain lessons, and I am just thick as bricks? I don’t know. But I do know God loves me, and my family, and even though it has been hard at times… it has always been beautiful, too. I am so grateful for that. The reality is… sometimes feeling sad, feels good. BUT… I could certainly use more happy feelings, to balance out all those good sad feelings. 🙂

The sad and the happy, the good and the bad… the love I have felt through it all has made life pretty magical, even when it is going too fast.

Here are some pictures from life lately… sorry they are not captioned. You can make up your own story of what is happening. 😉