It can be hard to feel like I fit in sometimes.

As a widow who is also divorced… I come with a lot of weird super-sized-emotional-baggage, wherever I go. I am not exactly the life of the party, with all of my heavy-hearted topics. For me, caskets and court-proceedings are casual and normal conversations. It makes socializing with new people… kind of difficult and awkward.

I am comfortable talking about hard, heavy things… but a lot of people, well, they are not.

As an introvert, I have a hard enough time feeling like I belong in groups of people, so it is almost comical to me that I have been granted such isolating life experiences, to make my social life that much more… interesting.

I often ask myself, where do I even fit in?

Where do I belong?

Where can I just be myself, and feel loved?

I have come up with just a few answers… in no particular order… and this is not a complete list…

1. I belong at Church. This does not mean that Church is always easy for me. I do not just go for the people, I go to Church because I love Jesus. Church is a gathering place for people with all sorts of different brokenness and heartache. I love to gather with others and learn, with them, about the gospel. I find solace and healing from keeping an open heart at Church, despite the baggage that I bring through the doors. I know that others carry their heavy loads as well, and it is a testimony to me every time someone who I know is struggling, walks through the Church doors.

2. I belong at the Temple. The Temple is the great equalizer. We all dress in white, and the love is almost tangible when you walk through the Celestial doors. It can still be a little hard for me to go alone, but there are things I can do in the Temple that help me to feel empowered as a single woman. I always feel rejuvenated by attending the Temple, and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father. I always feel a little “lighter” after a visit there.

3. I belong with Charles. He may not physically be around right now, but his influence is so powerful in my life… it is often astonishing how close he can feel sometimes. He has been my greatest love. And such a supportive companion, who always encouraged me to pursue my dreams and aspirations. I hope to make him proud one day. He was one of the most comforting sources of love in my life. I miss him. I know we belong together.

4. I belong in the ice cream aisle at the grocery store. The Baskin-Robbins section. No explanation needed, except… World Class Chocolate.

5. I belong writing on my blog. This is a place where I can be myself and allow others to have a glimpse into my inner thoughts and feelings, without all of the awkward social barriers. Blogging has been important to me since I first began blogging back in 2006. I will continue to blog until the Internet crashes.

6. I belong with my ancestors. Who better to connect with, than those who have gone before me? The people who have made me who I am. The giants, whose shoulders I stand on every, single, day. I connect with them by learning their stories and my family history. As I learn about and connect with my ancestors, it brings me so much comfort and courage. One day I hope to, “go to my fathers [and mothers] … in whose mighty company… I shall not now feel ashamed.” – King Theoden of The Lord of the Rings.

7. I belong at Disneyland. (*See the post before this one.) Disneyland is for everyone, and it is a great place for me to be with, and enjoy, lots of different people, without anyone having to know any of my baggage. I can just… be me. And scream like a crazy-happy-child on the rides! Woo-Hoo!

8. I belong in school. I am taking classes and working towards my degree. It may take me 10 years to finish, but I am enjoying the process of learning and growing and developing my brain. Education is powerful and empowering.

9. I belong behind a camera. I love to take pictures… of nature, of people, of the small details, and vast landscapes… I just love seeing the world through a camera lens. It brings me so much joy. I want to focus on photography more.

10. I belong in my bed. My bed… oh how grateful I am to have a nice, cozy, warm and snuggly bed to crawl into at night, and sometimes during the day for quick power naps. My bed has held me through it ALL. It has been like a warm hug on cold, harsh, difficult days.

11. I belong as a mother. I love to snuggle my children, and just be with them, because they are so wonderful. I just love, love, LOVE my children so much!

I2. I belong as a runner. I can run. I may not be fast, or even in good shape currently… but I can still jog and jiggle all the way. And it is freeing, and fun, and like a mini-outdoor-adventure every time.

13. I belong as a writer. I love to write. Writing allows me to freely express my feelings and thoughts, and find my way, as I weave words together into a tapestry that hopefully makes some sense in the end. Most of the thoughts in my head become much more clear to me, when I write them down.

14. I belong with Jesus. I have never, ever, been alone in my life. Not even during really dark and hard nights when everything felt like it was caving in on my soul. The Savior was there, with me, and was my strength and my Light in the darkness. He still is, and always will be. I love Jesus.

15. I belong with my family. My family is everything to me. I love my children, my parents, my siblings, my in-laws, my extended family… and also friends that are family. My family is where I feel like I belong the most. They know me far beyond widowhood and divorce — they know me as “just Mari,” or “just Mom,” and I am grateful for that.

16. I belong in nature. Nature is so healing. It is so invigorating and calming. I need nature in my life.

17. I belong in my home. Home. Is. Where. My. Heart. Is. I love being home. It is magical to me. I love to go on adventures… but I always love to come back home.

18. I belong as just me. Wherever I am. Whoever I am with. I will show up, and be myself. And that is all I have to offer. I may not feel like I fit in, but does that matter?

My goal has never been to “fit in.”

My goal has always been to “Follow Him” (Jesus).

With Jesus, I belong… everywhere I go.

And life… well, it feels pretty full and sweet to me… especially with my family.

Family… is where I really belong… no matter what… forever!

Here are some pictures of where I feel I belong the most…