What happens in the years after a divorce? This was not a question I ever thought I would personally experience, but I have had to live through it. The answer for me is, my life is still beautiful with some pain and hard emotional residue. But, whatever the hard and pain, the joy and even the peace — I have made it through all of life’s challenges and smiles, with Jesus by my side. Jesus is my constant in every storm, through every flight or fight, and every fire… always.

I am always in the palm of His hands.

Life now is so much better than it was, when I was trying to survive a marriage that was a hellish mistake. It was a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life, because I was a fool to walk into a world, that was not mine to enter. But, luckily, God can work with our foolish mortal mistakes. In my mistake-making, God still granted me a miracle — a beautiful angelic child, a gift of pure light — birthed from a season of despair and darkness.

God can make things all right, even in the all wrongs.

There have been many moments in my life, that I consider to be moments of dreadful impact. There are two moments that have changed the course of my world and my family…

The first moment was having to make the choice to take my beautiful husband, Charles, off of life-support in the hospital. All the doctors and medical professionals told me it was necessary, because the blood clot in his lungs had caused too much brain damage. I made the choice and even chose the time, and my beloved Charles took his last breath. When my children found out their dad was dead, they shrieked in horror along with me. The heavens shook and shrieked with my family.

The second most difficult moment, was taking a broken and decaying remarriage off of life-support, in a courtroom. Many trusted people and professionals told me it was necessary, because of the destruction to my heart and family, and it was causing emotional brain damage. I made the choice and chose the time, and the marriage took its last breath. When my children found out the marriage was over, they rejoiced in relief that I finally listened to their pleadings. The heavens rejoiced in relief with my family.

It has been almost 4 years since the day of marriage separation, on April 1st. That was the day when I finally had endured enough. An ultimate line was crossed, and I was finally brave enough to say, “ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!” My first loving husband passed away on April 1st, 2014, and I believe that on that day of April 1st, 2022, he gave me the courage to say “it is OVER.” That April 1st day, was the beginning of the end of a marriage from hell, piled on top of the grief from the anniversary of losing my first husband. I am still not sure how I survived that day of horror. But I am still standing all these years later, thank the heavens for helping me through having my soul crushed.

Every year as April 1st draws near… the ghosts of death-and-divorce anniversaries past, call out to haunt me. I try to hide, but they always find me, no matter where I go.

I will forever live with a regret, that I did not listen to my children and their cries and pleadings, to leave the mess of a marriage earlier. They had endured things they should never have endured. And this was after the life-altering loss of their beautiful father! My older children even left home early to leave and get away from the sad situation.

I was praying and hoping someone would come and rescue me from the mistake of remarriage, too. And one day, I realized that the someone to the rescue had to be … me.

So why did I not leave the miserable marriage sooner? (It lasted for 3 years.)

I ask myself this question often… sometimes it keeps me up at night.

At the time I was pregnant and weakened, and then I had a newborn baby. The world was fuzzy and vague through the lens of fresh pregnancy and newborn motherhood, especially being over 40! My home was in the middle of a massive renovation. Everything was a mess. It was also during Covid. The whole thing was the perfect storm, a nightmare. The thought of choosing to be a single mother again with a brand new baby, was an agonizing choice for me. This caused me to endure things I should not have. And my family suffered immensely. I was weak, though at the time I thought I was being strong — I could not tell the difference. Soon after the baby turned one, I felt strong enough to finally choose to let go of the emotional rope that was strangling me. I felt brave enough to deal with whatever legal ramifications would come with a divorce.

It had to be finished, it had to be done. I had to be brave enough.

I am SO grateful I was brave enough to leave and let go, even though I had a new baby!

I will never, ever, regret leaving the fire that was burning me and my family.

The thing is… I was warned by multiple people before considering remarriage. I was warned by a Bishop who told me, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” I was even warned directly by the Spirit, with a burning feeling of “NO! Do not go down this path!” But I did not listen.

I did not listen… why did I not listen?

It was not because I was so in love; but because I was so lonely.

I recently saw a message that said something like, “You should ask yourself what is wrong with you, that made you choose a toxic relationship.” For me, that is something I have asked myself repeatedly over the years. More recently, however, I have learned that there was NOTHING wrong with me that made me seek out love and companionship. I was a widow, I had experienced a beautiful marriage of 15 years, and I had a loving family. I had known such great love, and I wanted to experience love and companionship in my life again.

I was eager to love, and eager to trust. I had little to no experience dealing with people I should not trust. I was not insecure, or trying to seek out ways to manifest some unburied inner child feelings through a new relationship. My family was surviving just fine, we were thriving, we were happy. We were strong together. I loved my life as a mother to such magical children.

But as a woman… I was just alone, lonely, and longing for connection and love again. My first husband died when I was just 34 years old. I was a normal and healthy woman, with normal and healthy feelings. I followed my woman-heart feelings … it was just down the wrong path for me, and my family. The regret I feel is truly unimaginable and unbearable at times.

It was that simple.

I was a lonely young widow, looking for love again.

Let’s be real… I was desperate for love again, after being alone for 4 years.

So, when an opportunity came with a persistent person, I closed my eyes and my logical thinking brain… I ignored the obvious warnings and list of potential problems, and I believed the stories I wanted to believe; rather than the truth from others, and the truth from God.

I thought, “Well, if there really is smoke and fire… I will put it out with love and kindness.”

The problem was… my love is not that powerful, or fire-resistant!

I got burned in the fire, and so did my whole family… so did my love, kindness, and naive innocence towards humanity.

I will forever regret the choice I made to not listen to the Spirit of God, and the choice I made to look away… when I should have run away from the wrong path.

I was talking to my beautiful daughter Sammi the other day, and she said something like, “What is important now is the amazing repair work we have done with our family.” She is so right. We have all worked so hard to heal our wounds that came from that broken, messed up, and confusing time in our family. I let an influence into our home and family, that should never have been allowed into our sacred sanctuary walls. I will always hold the guilt and shame for that choice. But, we have worked so hard to heal our love and our family. I could not be more proud of my family! And I could not love them more! And I am so grateful for their understanding and forgiveness towards my mistake as a woman, and as their mother.

My van Ormer family is strong and resilient, and we have been through so much that makes us uniquely bonded deeply, for life, and forever. We understand forgiveness, we understand real tight-knit family love… because we have been through many raging fires together. And I do mean raging. Love and open communication — and humor — have been the answer to help in healing our deep wounds. Though the wounds are still there, it has been time, attention, and addressing the wounds that have made all the difference.

So, even though I ignored the warnings of smoke and fires…

My family will always rise up from the ashes, when we are burned.

I personally give my ashes to Jesus.

He helps me rise up from the fires and fears.

Rise up.

Like Jesus did.

Mount up.

Fly with wings as eagles… or maybe butterflies.

I have started really running again, to help with healing.

Because that is part of who I am.

Time to “just be me” again.

Time to fly again.

I am free from the smoke and fire … when I hold onto Jesus, and He holds onto me.

I tried to sing… it has been awhile… but I am still in there somewhere. Here are some unpolished, but pure feelings expressed to my Jesus, because I love Him! 🙂