Grief and love are so intricately connected. I don’t think you can really separate the two ancient friends; they are bonded for life, and perhaps… beyond. When Charles died (11 years ago), a part of me that lived with him died too. In place of that piece of my heart’s death from grief, something else was reborn: My courage.

This courage was not born of an already existing strength and conviction, it was born of necessity and need. I had to find my courage. I had to keep going. I had to keep breathing, smiling, loving, and living. I was and still am, and always will be, a mother. And my children — no matter how tall, or old, or intelligent that they get — they will always need me to be their mother. My van Ormer children need me doubly, because they do not have their father to help in this mortal world. It is truly a privilege to be the mother to our beautiful children. I could not have handpicked more wonderful creatures to make up our resilient little family.

My children ignited my courage, and they still give me courage!

However, I have not felt super-courageous lately. (It has nothing to do with my children.) I have had tears, hot tears, flowing so easily lately. I don’t have any real intense reasons for crying lately, but I think that is why they are flowing… because I have had some moments to pause, and actually feel my feelings. I have a bit of time to write about my feelings now, too.

These last many years, I have been involved in so many strange and chaotic things, and it has been beyond draining emotionally, and even physically. Most of the time I just plow through the events and needed duties; but other times I stop and my breath is taken away, when I realize the stress and strain of it all.

Today, I want to write about the thing that makes me the most sad lately, and it is this:

I do not think I will ever find romantic love or companionship again, in this lifetime.

This has been a more recent realization for me, to add to my list of things to grieve.

You see, years after Charles died — and before getting remarried, and then divorced just a few years later — I was so open and even hopeful and eager to find someone to spend my life with. I felt like it was the right thing to do, at the time. I made efforts to get out with people, and date, and I kept myself well and active for that purpose. Of course, I was younger than I am now, so my hope in that area was still fresh and pure… and I was naive to the troubles that awaited me.

But now, after my “educational” life experiences, I have decided that being a single mother, is the best plan for me. Oh, I have not lost all hope for finding a nice man and having companionship… but if I do, it will be after all of my children are grown, and when I find myself actually alone. Until then, I cannot imagine any sort of good man who would be willing to take on the life that I live with my family, and the facts of my having a dead husband, a divorced ex-husband, and a child with special needs that I co-parent with my ex-husband. There are much less complicated women in the world than myself, and if there is one thing I do not want to be: I do not want to be a burden. I would rather be alone.

This still makes me feel so sad sometimes though. Letting go of the hope of companionship in my life has been hard for me; but it has also been kind of freeing to let go, so I can just move forward, as I must do. Someone once told me that, “I need to be my own hero.” My answer to that is: I have been my own hero for the last 11 years, so I get it. I really do! I get that none of the fairytales are true, and no one is coming to rescue me from my loneliness and desires. I really, truly, understand. And I will continue to “be my own hero,” and hopefully I can be of some use to others along the way, as I soldier on ever so stoically and heroically. (Let’s be serious, I never do anything stoically.) 🙂

My acceptance phase does not change the fact that my woman heart is still, well, a woman heart. I am a woman of deep feeling, and strong emotions. I long for connection, belonging, and companionship — as most humans do. Having an intimate and beautiful marriage relationship is very important to me. But for now, I consider myself on kind of a mission, if you will. I am on a mission to raise my children well, and be the mother that they need.

I sure wish I had Charles with me to complete our little family, and to be my companion in this life; but I know he does help and assist as he can from the other side. I just wish I could see him sometimes. I could really use a Charles hug. I really miss his sparkling eyes, his magic laugh, and let’s be real… I miss laying next to him in bed.

Courage. I still cling to courage every, single, day.

And I cling to Jesus.

Somedays I just need to cry it out like crazy.

I loved, and still love, so deeply and so much; that means, I get to cry so deeply and so much.

That is just how grief and love work.

I hope my tear ducts don’t break.

*I painted the picture above tonight.