I have been pondering on the value of having and using the right tools.

In all of the chaos from divorce and moving homes in the last few years, I seem to have lost a lot of my kitchen supplies. I had also lost a lot of my desire to even want to be in the kitchen. The lack of desire and lack of the right equipment, has been a great recipe for not cooking, or baking. (I did make food… but had not really enjoyed the process.)

Grief does weird things to normal desires and enjoyment.

The compounded grief of death and divorce, has smothered many of those enjoyable things for me.

I am working on reviving lost desires.

Well… some of them.

Being single is rough sometimes!

After Charles died, I used to count how many days it had been since I had been properly kissed. I don’t do that anymore. It’s too painful, and was made more emotionally complex after a subsequent remarriage ending in divorce. Counting lost kisses doesn’t help anything.

Sappy Hallmark movies don’t help either. I just watched a sappy love show last night, and it made me cry so hard being reminded that I am SO single, and likely will be for a LONG time.

I am a passionate, eager-to-love, kind of person. So it kind of extra-hurts to live life without companionship love, intimacy, and romance.

Some days… I am totally fine. But other days… I am totally not fine.

I once was so eager to try and find love again, after loss. (I was younger then… more hopeful, and naive.) But now, after having the experiences I have had… I think I will focus on perfecting my brownie recipe. Maybe when all of my kids are grown in 14 years, I will consider dating again. I will only be 58 then. Ha!

Or maybe I will open a bakery.

Anyway… wow... apparently there is more on my mind than just new pots and pans.

I have slowly been finding items to make my kitchen a more desirable place for me to be, and create in. It has been wonderful how much more I actually WANT to cook and bake because of having the right tools!

It also helps that now they make really cool kitchen items in the color green. Oh how I love green!

Always have, always will.

With my new fun kitchen tools, I have been baking like crazy lately. I should probably calm down a little, because it is also in direct opposition with my other goal of getting in better shape… hmmm… always the dilemma.

I love both baking cookies and running. (Not at the same time.) I do want to get better at both. My normal running routine that was once such a huge piece of my life, has also been desperately suffering from the death of desire.

I need my desire for running to come back, too!

I wonder where it went?

It’s gotta be somewhere… perhaps if I keep baking I will find it? 😉

It is amazing what a difference the proper tools can make in the kitchen, and in life.

I am so grateful that over the years I have continued to seek and find the proper tools to help in continued daily healing.

Sometimes the tools have been counseling, painting, music, exercise, reading, baking, serving, going to the temple, family history, photography, writing… the list goes on and on.

Healing is happening.

My heart is changing and growing, and hopefully… getting stronger and more resilient.

It is a daily thing… healing.

It always will be.

Healing will always be about my daily efforts. Some days my efforts are better than others. But I will always keep trying.

My greatest tool for healing… is the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Jesus is everything to me, He is my ROCK and my Savior, the MASTER HEALER.

The world is getting pretty crazy. If I look at the news too much, I get dizzy and nauseous.

There is peace in Christ… always… no matter what.

He has taught us how to use the most powerful tool of all…

LOVE.

Love is what I want to bake with, and breathe with, each day.

Here are a bunch of pictures from the last while. I have so much to be grateful for. Especially… my family. And pumpkins. And cookies. And pumpkin cookies. It has sure been beautiful in Spokane this fall…