Last night, I laid on my hammock, under the twinkling stars.

It was a beautiful evening, with a slight chill in the air… enough to wrap myself in a blanket and be cozy and comfortable.

I was swinging back and forth, watching the stars sparkle and wink at me from afar.

In that moment, I really wished I had my Charles to talk to, and wink at.

I wished for his cherished companionship and charming conversation.

Charles and I used to love to just talk… and talk… and talk, sometimes into the middle of the night, and beyond.

Sometimes he would wake in the night with a new idea for work, or excitement about a possible new adventure, or an idea about his Church calling, or to just talk about life, the gospel, and our family.

Sometimes he would want to do more than just talk.

Me, too.

There are not words for those kind of feelings.

But, when we would have late night deep conversations, the light in the room would often become Heavenly. A special glow of magic and spirit would linger, and it bound us in love beyond anything earthly and mortal. I have never felt that feeling with any other person on this earth — just from talking together!

I miss that feeling.

I miss that sparkle and magic that we shared.

I miss… Charles.

His smile… the twinkle in his eyes… everything.

As I laid on the hammock, I cried thinking about him.

Missing him.

Wanting him.

Needing him.

I began wondering what he was doing, and if he was missing me, too.

Does he feel lonely? Or is it just lonely on my end of the veil?

Is our ten years apart feeling like eternity to him? Or just me?

Sometimes I wish the stars could talk to me… so I didn’t have to feel so lonely under the dark night sky.

I often try to talk to the stars, but they rarely talk back.

Maybe they are shy? Maybe they speak French?

Or maybe the lifetime of things they have seen, have made them realize there is beauty in steady, sparkling, silence.

One day, I will not sit quietly alone in the dark anymore.

Charles will come back to me, because Jesus will come back.

And we can pick up our deep conversations where we left off, back on April 1, 2014.

In the meantime, I thank the Lord for my silent, sacred, steady, friends… the stars.

Someday, I do hope to know what they are thinking, not just twinkling.