The year of “firsts” after becoming a widow/er, can be SO hard.

Birthdays, anniversaries, and especially… the holidays.

I have been reflecting on my first Christmas as a widow, and after 9 years, all I have are sweet and beautiful memories, and precious feelings about that heart-heavy time.

I know it was difficult, and I remember crying in my room, many, many, nights after my children were asleep and while wrapping presents alone. But even still… the tears of anguish and heartache, are swallowed up in a golden hue of love and appreciation, all these years later.

For those who may be experiencing the first year as a widow or widower, I hope and pray that this season will be gentle, peaceful, and kind to you. Let the tears pour out, as needed. Cry all you want. Allow your pillow to be your best source of relief, as you feel the deep and painful feelings of loss and heartache. The Christmas season is a hard and emotional time to make it through, especially when you are alone, and without your spouse that first year. It is also hard for the children.

The Savior will be there to cry with you, as every grief-tear falls.

As I looked back at my memories on my other blog (www.clingtocourage.com), I went and viewed December 2014, and scrolled through my memories and pictures from my first Thanksgiving and Christmas, as a widow.

I am so grateful, that during that time… I was able to travel with my family, and my parents.

We went all over… the Redwoods, San Diego, Disneyland, Arizona, and Utah.

We piled in my parents’ van, and my dad drove us all around the West Coast, as we soaked in the beauty of the world. We saw that the world kept on spinning around us, even after Charles died. That was really important for my family to experience and comprehend.

It was so healing, and provided so much HOPE to have a change of scenery, and to experience new things, and have FUN as a family. I am so grateful for my parents, and their spirit of adventure, and their love of travel. I was able to step back and take a breath, while resting in the good company and capabilities of my parents.

It was exactly the right thing for our family, at that time.

We traveled all over with my parents, but we were home in Idaho, for Christmas. Being home, was sweet and special for my little family. It was very difficult to pull Christmas off for my family, all by myself. But I prayed for the strength and energy I needed, and it was granted to me. Our at-home Christmas was a magical and sweet one. I remember when we watched The Polar Express (a tradition that Charles began on Christmas Eve), huge snowflakes began to fall, and it felt like a Christmas miracle. He was still there, with us, on our first Christmas “without” him.

As for our traveling…

The Redwoods were particularly healing. I LOVE to visit the Redwood forest, it is like being in a completely different world. The ancient trees seem to hold the secrets of generations of time and history. It is truly an epic experience to be amongst the glorious, green, giants of nature.

The ocean was also very healing. We spent time exploring the beaches, and lighthouses, and breathing in ocean air. Why is the ocean such a magical force for renewal and rejuvenation? I just love it.

San Francisco was SO fun! It was not as scary as it is currently… we went on the trolleys, up and down the thrilling hills, at night, in the dark. It was a wonderful experience for us all. Ghirardelli Square was also super fun… and yummy.

Disneyland was magical, as always… I have written much about our love of Disneyland in other posts, and how healing it has been for our family to go, and have a place to scream our grief out on the thrill rides. It was especially meaningful that first time going back without Charles. It felt like experiencing it for the first time all over again… we all went wondering if we could be free and enjoy it fully… and we did. (I might have found quiet places to cry throughout the time there, but it was still so good.)

We spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with my family, and it was so fun to stay in a big rental house with everyone, as we enjoyed the pool and warmth of the Arizona sun. (I was born in Arizona, it is always fun to go there and have childhood memories come back to me.)

Getting through the first holiday season as a widow/er (and children), will be different for everyone who experiences it. It is full of FEELINGS, lots and lots of FEELINGS. And that is OKAY. Grief might leave you alone for a minute, only to come back the next minute to take your breath away. Tears might randomly burst from your eyes and soul… and that is OKAY, too.

As for enduring the widow/er holidays… what works for one family, or individual, might not work for another.

But what works for everyone is this…

Jesus.

Keep Him as the focus of the holidays, and especially the focus of Christmas.

He can LIFT you through the darkness of grief, and hold you through it ALL.

Also… it is OKAY to be HAPPY… even when you are SAD.

It is OKAY to have FUN… even when you are GRIEVING.

Feel all the things.

It is all part of the human experience.

And the human experience… is an emotionally dramatic, fantastic, miracle.

May God bless you… every one.

Here are pictures I took on our travels and holiday time… I used to bring my “real” camera wherever I went…