I feel like my experience with remarriage after being a lonely widow was a big tease.

It was so close to something that could have been so good, but so bad that I could not stay in the marriage. And it broke my heart to have to make that confusing and complicated choice.

Divorce.

I had spent years preparing myself after my husband died, not for marriage, but just for a happy, good, life with my family. I was in a solid space emotionally/physically/spiritually when I met the man I would marry and give my widow-heart to. And I did not just give him my widow-heart… I gave him my regular heart, too. I am “just” a woman, at the end of the day. Widowhood is part of me… but womanhood… and being a woman with a lively, loving, beating heart… that is the heart I tried to love with. Widowhood, and the stresses and grief from it, still crept in our marriage from time to time. But that wasn’t the ultimate cause of demise.

When I met this man, a divorcee… part of me felt like he was my best chance at a relationship because of his proximity to my home. He was one of the first men that lived in my area, that I had talked to. At the time, we shared the same beliefs. He was also very forward with me, very eager, very… easy. I rejected him 3 times, but he was patient, and persistent. It felt nice to be desired so strongly. Widowers that I had talked to had not been as eager (or pushy) about a relationship, and it made it feel like maybe I could make it work with a super eager divorcee. And eventually, I thought he might be okay… and I even started to like him, especially as my eyes started glazing over from so much kissing. When you haven’t kissed for years and years… visibility becomes distorted quickly.

I have written before about how I had clear warnings in my heart… red flags waving, flapping in the wind… burning, pressing, heated feelings of “don’t do it.” And yet, I convinced myself that was just me being nervous about stepping into a new relationship. No… it was the Spirit saying DO NOT, DO IT. And I am still trying to discern just why I did not listen, when the warning was so clear. Loneliness was a major factor, for sure. I was surrounded with people, family, activity, and love, but for me loving companionship is so important. And it felt nice to have someone who wanted to be with me again.

My brother asked me recently if I considered my choice to marry this man a mistake. And my answer is a big YES… but also… my baby Johnathan is an absolute miracle from my big mistake.

But what I want to write about today, is just the aching that I have in my heart from my “tease” of experiencing love again.

There was so much about being married again that was still SO good, and so enjoyable. There were times of great joy, and pleasure, and rejoicing, and excitement, and love. I learned so many new things from being married again, I even learned how to mountain bike when I was pregnant, and I loved it! We remodeled a home together, and we worked well together that way. If you look at my blog posts about our marriage you will see that I wrote very rose-colored words about what was going on during our marriage. And so much of it was good, and wonderful. And that is what makes it so sad.

But there was also a darkness there – and I could not, and still cannot write about this much, I just don’t feel comfortable sharing in public, not even private forums – but it was dark enough, that I absolutely COULD NOT STAY. And it broke my heart SO much, because when I love… I love all in. And it almost crushed me, and my heart wondered how much it could take. 

I grew to really love the man I married. But there are some things that love is not strong enough to heal. And as I look back on that time – the 3 years together – I can see it was a mixture of good and horrible. And I am so sad that the horrible was a part of it, because I believe it could have been good. I hoped with all my heart that marriage would have been good, again.

But now, instead… I am alone… again. I fight against the grief and weight of it all. But it still just hurts. And it helps for me to say that out loud: It hurts. It really hurts.

I now feel like I am likely to be alone for the rest of my life. I do not want to be alone. But at the end of my day, when I am snuggled in my bed at night, I cannot imagine someone strong enough to step into my world, who would willingly take me and all my broken pieces.

Death AND divorce? 5 kids, one of them a 2-year-old?

A first husband who I put on an angelic pedestal, and a complicated situation with an ex-husband?

Yeah. I would need more than a hero. 

I need a SUPERHERO.

And that is why I am struggling a bit lately, having been “teased” with love again, only to lose love again. And now… I feel like I don’t even know how to love and be loved anymore.

And that scares me.

But even still… I have hope. It might be a fool’s hope. But that foolish hope is all I have got.

Thanks for letting me write it out. I feel better now.