What is worse… death, or divorce?

This question comes up a lot for me.

I have a simple answer:

Both.

Experiencing both is worse.

I can sometimes hardly believe that I lost my first husband to death, and then also have gone through a painful divorce.

There are some similarities in the pain I have experienced from both death and divorce, but at the core, they are very, very different.

For me, the death of my first husband was based on tremendous love and heartbreaking loss. The support that came pouring in for my family after death was phenomenal. There was just so much love surrounding everything to do with Charles passing away, and others taking care of our family.

Grief was because of love.

So much love.

So much loss.

I have felt so much sorrow and grief with death, but I have also been held in a gentle balm of love and eternal hope of being with him forever again.

In contrast, the divorce of my second husband was based on darkness, problems, stress, frustration, and incredible disappointments… and horrendous court battles. There was also loss, but it felt (feels)… SO different. And, the support group that showed up during the divorce, was much less of a force, than the throngs of people who showed up after the funeral.

Divorce leaves a sharp edge of bitterness, resentment, and heartbreak… with a different kind of grief, and confusion. With divorce you often have to continue seeing and dealing with the person that broke your heart, along with co-parenting, which can be incredibly difficult. It involves learning new skills and putting up strong boundaries.

It is ongoing pain. It is rough, to put it gently.

I have ended up questioning myself… a lot. And I am working on repairing a lot of damage to my confidence.

I am still in the thick of divorce fallout. But moving forward from it, too.

I write from a place of being in the middle, not out of it.

I could go on and write more… but really the best thing is to not compare the two things.

Death and divorce are SO different.

What is needed is compassion for people who go through each of these painful heartbreaking experiences.

If you have dealt with either death or divorce… your heart will never be the same.

It just won’t.

I am so sorry.

If you have dealt with both death and divorce… may Heaven help your heart, so it doesn’t shatter completely. Carrying the burden of both in my heart, has tested me to the core of my soul.

If it wasn’t for Jesus…

I think I might be broken irreparably, from the crushing weight of both.