(Written January 29, 2019.)

Living without a dad is hard. 

Sometimes I forget just how hard it is for my children. It has been almost 5 years, and each child has handled the death of their dad in a different way. They have done so beautifully, and I stand in awe of their great capacity for love, empathy, faith, and courage in the face of their difficulties.

They absolutely love their daddy! And he absolutely loves them SO much!

There are times when I can see clearly the way my children are feeling, and there are other times when I know they feel deeply about their dad, but they don’t always outwardly express those feelings. As my children grow older, the dynamic of their feelings change. Just the other night, Daniel was talking about his dad to a friend, and I watched as he lit up like Christmas, as he described what a great Scoutmaster he was. Daniel loved how awesome Charles was as a leader, and it seemed like as he talked about him, he realized just how fantastic Charles really was. It was so cute to watch his face beam, as he gushed over the greatness of his dad. And in that moment, I saw Charles glowing through Daniel.

As a family, we have all experienced the great ebbing and flowing of grief and sorrow, along with joy and gladness! We do not live in a state of grief, we try to live in a state of gratitude; but sometimes there are grief-triggers that show up unexpectedly. Sometimes grief-triggers knock on the doors of our hearts, and we let them in to visit for awhile.

Last night, I came across an emotional trigger. As I was cleaning, I came across a notebook and opened it to some random thoughts that Sammi had written down last year, on April 1st, the 4 year anniversary of the day he died. It was an unexpected, yet eye-opening discovery…

Tears fell, as I felt the depth of Sammi’s sweet feelings for her dad. These children have dealt with some hard stuff. They are so brave. So very brave, and courageous! Oh how I love my family! They are living life in a unique and challenging way, and they are beautiful examples to me, and I am grateful! 

One day Charles will walk through “the door,” and we will all see him again. 

What a day that will be!